October 19, 2011Sorry guys I can`t help myself on this one:
Overview: I had to take my son`s lizard to the vet.
Here`s what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was `something wrong` with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
`He`s just lying there looking sick,` he told me. `I`m serious, Dad. Can you help?`
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
`Honey,` I called, `come look at the lizard!`
`Oh, my gosh!` my wife exclaimed . `She`s having babies.`
`What?` my son demanded. `But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!`
I was equally outraged.
`Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn`t want them to reproduce,` I said accusingly to my wife.
`Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?` she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)
`No, but you were supposed to get two boys!` I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).
`Yeah, Bert and Ernie!` my son agreed.
`Well, it`s just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,` she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
`Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,` I announced. `We`re about to witness the miracle of birth.`
`Oh, gross!` they shrieked.
`Well, isn`t THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?` my wife wanted to know.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
`We don`t appear to be making much progress,` I noted.
`It`s breech,` my wife whispered, horrified.
`Do something, Dad!` my son urged.
`Okay, okay.` Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
`Should I call 911?` my eldest daughter wanted to know.
`Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.` (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
`Let`s get Ernie to the vet,` I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
`Breathe, Ernie, breathe,` he urged.
`I don`t think lizards do Lamaze,` his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for G~d`s sake.).
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
`What do you think, Doc, a C-section?` I suggested scientifically.
`Oh, very interesting,` he murmured. `Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?`
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
`Is Ernie going to be okay?` my wife asked.
`Oh, perfectly,` the vet assured us. `This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn`t EVER going to happen. .. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . **********. Just the way he did, lying on his back.` He blushed, glancing at my wife.
We were silent, absorbing this. `So, Ernie`s just ... just . . . excited,` my wife offered.
`Exactly,` the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle and giggle and then even laugh loudly.
`What`s so funny?` I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. `It`s just that . . I`m picturing you pulling on its . . . its. . . teeny little ` She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
`That`s enough,` I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
`I know Ernie`s really thankful for what you did, Dad,` he told me.
`Oh, you have NO idea,` my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard`s winkie: Priceless!
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs!